Knox Knock: Protestant Parents Reform Halloween Door-to-Door Tradition

OCTOBER, 2017: SCOTTSDALE, AZ- As families of children and teens work together to plan their annual Halloween festivities, one family is changing up their traditions, or, rather, continuing those began 500 years ago.

“We don’t celebrate Halloween,” said Mrs. Geneva Knox, mother of four, as she welcomed reporters, sharing both her insights and her gluten-sugar-dairy-and-taste-free porridge snacks.

“No,” added her husband, Mr. William Knox, as he coughed his way through the snacks. “That’s just a terrible day… all about devils and sugar…not healthy spiritually or physically!”

Mrs. Knox nodded in agreement and explained that instead of succumbing to the lure of free candy and unholy costumes, she and Mr. Knox would be starting a new door-to-door tradition with their children. Rather than miss out on the fun of trick-or-treating, the Knox family is reforming this annual romp according to their faith.

“It’s really perfect,” said Mr. Knox. “Everyone is so excited for Halloween, but what they should be excited for is the 500th anniversary of the Protestant Reformation! I mean, why knock on doors asking for candy when you could instead follow the spirit of Martin Luther and nail Theses to doors?”

Instead of dressing in this years’ popular Wonder Woman and Stranger Things costumes, the four Knox children will be donning authentic Benedictine monk habits which they learned to sew themselves during their homeschool history lessons. Properly attired, they will then to go door-to-door to pass out copies of Luther’s 95 Theses, which they translated and hand-wrote during their homeschool penmanship lessons. Should homeowners not answer the door to their knocking, Mr. and Mrs. Knox are planning to supply their children with a sufficient number of thumb tacks and toy hammers so that they may continue to live in the spirit of Luther and attached their Theses to the doors regardless.

“We would not want to leave any houses out just because they don’t answer!” explained Mrs. Knox.

However, those who do answer are in for a special surprise; not only will they receive their own copy of Luther’s 95 Theses, they will also be treated to a rousing a cappella rendition of “A Mighty Fortress is Our God” sung by the four children.

“I’m excited to sing,” said Grace-Alone, the youngest Knox daughter, “but I must confess I miss getting candy…”

Grace was quickly nudged into silence by her twin sister Faith and handed a consolatory cheese curd by her brother Zwingli.

“Yes, I know it is hard for the children to pass up on candy when everyone else is eating it,” acknowledged Mr. Knox, “but we, like Luther, do not believe in indulgences.”

When asked whether they were excited to go door-to-door on Reformation Day, the Knox children had mixed responses. Grace still mourned her forgone candy, but brothers Zwingli, age 12, and Calvin, age 15, were enthusiastic about their endeavor.

“I’m willing to give it a try,” said Zwingli. “It could be fun!”

“Yeah,” agreed Calvin, “With our costumes and handwritten copies, we will be irresistible!”

The Knox family is hoping to promote their idea as a safe and spiritual alternative for Protestant fun this Halloween. Perhaps they will start a trend amongst likeminded families, themselves serving to reform traditions and continue those began 500 years ago.

“Whether it works is not the focus,” concluded Mr. Knox, “as we feel we are fully justified in this endeavor.”

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Students Starve as College Cuts Pizza from Menu

Tens of students at a local college are suffering from varying degrees of starvation as the school dining service recently decided to cut pizza from its daily meal offerings. 

“I just don’t know what else to do,” sobbed one student, his stomach growling in agreement. “I mean, what am I supposed to do? I’ve been living off of French fries and this weird greenish stuff for the past week!”

Upon further investigation, it was found that the “weird greenish stuff” was kale from the cafeteria’s salad bar. 

“We are just trying to promote healthy eating,” explained the head chef. “We felt that contantly offering pizza was not encouraging a good -” 

At this point, the chef was abruptly cut off as a mob of hangry (a term meaning both hungry and angry) students tackled him, chanting “Pizza! Piece of pizza! Peace for pizza!”

Tackling the chef was not exactly “peace for pizza” but it was one example of the intense activism that is cropping up throughout the student body in light of what is being called “The Great Pizza Famine of 2017.”

“I don’t know, man,” said one student. “2016 was bad enough, so we had high hopes for this year…but this…this is too awful.”

Tweets by upset students such as “Make our cafeteria great again! Bring pizza back! 😖 #ThanksTrump” and “Give us this day our daily pizza!” are becoming a norm. 

Time will tell if the school dining coordinators will cave to the demands of their students. In the meantime, the number of students who have succumbed to starvation in the absence of their daily pizza is steadily rising. 

In the meantime, YOU can help! One concerned and wealthy community member has started a charity to ease the pain of the crisis! Simply text 555-555-PIZZA to donate 4.5 slices of pepperoni to hungry college students.

Family Mistakes SoCal University for Resort: Stays for a Week

Friday, February 24, 2017: A family of four awoke to the terrible realization that what they thought was a luxury resort was actually a university. 

Above: Kale McBirkenstock upon finding out she was at a school. “Take a pic of me looking studious so I can post it on Insta!”

“When we did not receive a wake up call for our yoga class, we knew something was wrong,” said Açai McBirkenstock, wife of Chase McBirkenstock and mother to daughters Kale (19) and Chia (21).

Upon further investigation, the family found that what they had taken for a concierge was- in fact- the resident advisor of the dormitory they had mistaken for an inn and suites. 

“How were we to know?” moaned young Chia. “After all, they had everything we wanted in a resort.” 

Miss McBirkenstock and her family perhaps had reason for their mistake. The school, in attempts to live up to their mission statement of “#AmenitiesNotAnxieties,” had all but done away with potential causes of discomfort and stress. 

“We wanted to create an atmosphere of ease,” said the school’s dean of admissions. “After all, that’s how it is in the real world and it is our duty as an educational institution to prepare our students for this world.” 

The school has taken active steps to promote their goal, as the McBirkenstocks discovered firsthand. 

“They had everything you could ever want in a resort,” sighed Açai. “Oil tastings, made-to-order food, hammock rentals, housekeeping…even our dog Princess was welcomed and treated like a queen!”

“Truly a wonderful place,” agreed Mr. McBirkenstock. “It’s really too bad it ended up being just another educational institution.” 

Although the McBirkenstocks had to cut their vacation short, students at the university are sure to continue to enjoying their stays and the administration promises to “never rest until their students can only rest.”

Student to Sue State University over Conservaphobic Practices

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A protester holds a sign, as protesters usually do.

Frustrations are on the rise at one California university as students and completely unrelated activists alike fight to end a perceived attack on student choice. The Second University of California has long held to its liberal values; it is a place known for its lack of enforcement of all antiquated ideologies, which administrators boast promotes a distinctly amoral and anarchist atmosphere that no private school would be able to match.

“We pride ourselves on having absolutely no convictions,” says the dean of admissions, who has opted not to be identified by any formal name, title, or pronoun. “By not taking sides on any issue, we don’t offend anybody. And that is the goal of a higher education, after all, to avoid offending students as they learn to live their lives.”

But, one student in particular says that this is not the case. Maryn Blue, junior Biblical studies major at SU of C, is stepping up and speaking out against the only thing that this school stands for and has stood for throughout the past century.

“It’s ridiculous,” says Maryn emphatically. “They say they don’t want to offend anybody, but it’s just not true! I’m here and I’m offended!”

When asked what exactly she found so offensive about her college, Maryn said simply one made-up word:
“Conservaphobia.”

While SU of C claims to be completely free of all institutions and ideologies that might cause offense to anyone, everyone, and their dogs (SU of C is also known for its animal inclusion program and is currently the only school where a chimpanzee not only was admitted but graduated magna cum laude with a degree in philosophy. It is speculated that this brainy primate might have had a paw in writing the school’s “Suggestions of Conduct,” a document which gives vague and optional guidelines for student behavior and can be signed or amended by any student if they are so inclined.)

However, despite SU of C’s striving for total affirmation of all things, Maryn is not alone in feeling oppressed by what she considers to be rampant conservaphobia. She, along with a small but loud group of like-minded students called the “Morality Underground” is taking aggressive measures to force the school to change in order to accommodate them.

“Yeah,” said Maryn with a defiant shrug, “I probably could have looked into the school’s lack of policies before I came, or maybe read their pamphlets before applying, but why should it be my responsibility to be informed about the college I attend? That’s a lot to ask of a 23-year old.”

When asked to elaborate on ‘conservaphobia,’ Maryn explained, “SU of C is a wonderful place. I love this place so much. It has sidewalks and benches and coffee and really good breakfast burritos. I cannot really stress how much I love this place.”

After waiting a few more minutes for Maryn to finish her professions of love for SU of C, she continued to complain about how cruel the school has been to her and how unhappy she has been there.

“I’m a Biblical studies major,” declares Maryn. “But you know what upsets me? My academic advisor keeps telling me that SU of C does not have a Biblical studies degree program because it’s a secular university. That is really an injustice! It’s conservaphobia, plain and simple, that they won’t hire professors or offer courses for my chosen field of study! I mean, just because a school is secular does not excuse it from having to promote subjects that contradict its values, right? ”

Maryn did not wait long before answering her own question.

“Right! I’m absolutely right and when the school tries to tell me I’m not, it really hurts my feelings, which, if I am not mistaken is against SU of C’s only value: that of non-offense.”

There are numerous private universities across the United States that hold to the same values that Maryn posts about on her Tumblr. It is reasonable to assume that such schools would have welcomed Maryn and Co. with open arms and financial aid, but when asked why she did not just choose to attend a school that aligned with her values rather than “hateful conservaphobia,” Maryn rolled her eyes and answered:

“Here’s the thing. Who’s usually paying for college? The parents. So who gets the biggest say in where a kid goes to college? That’s right. The parents.”

She went on to explain that her parents could not afford to send her to a private university and that even if they could, they were adamantly against the strict morals of such places.

“They wanted me to be a woman of the world, but that just wasn’t me. So here I am, trying to be myself in this place where I do not feel that it is appreciated. When I am told I can live in whichever dorm I want, am given vegan options at every meal, and am taught amoral subjects such as math, I feel the the weight of my trial. I have drafted a series of demands. If the school does not immediately cater to these whims, my friends and I are prepared to sue for damages.”

Already, over 93 individuals of the 80,000 that make up the SU of C student body, have signed this petition. Of these, nearly 17% have acknowledged reading the document and claim to possess a general idea of its contents.

“Yeah, I read it,” said Kale McBirkenstocks, super-senior undecided major. “I oppose phobias of all kinds and it would have been against my clinically-diagnosed phobia-phobia to not sign this petition.”

Maryn is confident her support can only grow from here.

“I think most people will come to agree that forcing a secular school to adopt religious moral policies is not unreasonable,” she concluded. “Besides, everyone will certainly agree that the government’s hard-earned money should not be used to fund education that promotes ‘conservaphobia’ rather than traditional, virtuous learning.”

Maryn is hopeful that she will be able to gather the external support necessary to pressure SC of U into complying with her goals. And, despite never truly defining ‘conservaphobia’ or proving how it violates her rights, Maryn is insistent that it is “a newfangled notion that can be overcome with greater activism.”